OH GOURD!!!
On our morning walk through the crisp forest that surrounds our home (I like to think of it as a scene from my favorite childhood story, "WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE") I picked up fallen leaves, pine cones and other pieces of natures discards to decorate our house for the season. Joe quietly charged ahead as Canyon, our fearless leader, navigated the cold, damp woods with us in tow. Proud of my unique finds, I got home, dried them off and placed them on our table until my tired brain decides to find some creative energy. After a nice, long, hot shower I turned my computer on and found this email attachment from our friend, Michelle, and while I feel the polar opposite about this magical season it made me giggle. And, yes, my table and mantle are filled, positively FILLED, with f'ing gourds and I love it! So, today we will take a little break from holiday decorating ideas for a little laugh. Photos are courtesy of www.marthastewart.com who, by the way, also has great ideas for fall decorating!
IT’S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON, MOTHERFUCKERS.
by Colin NIssan
I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I’m about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it’s gonna be like, BLAMMO!Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There’s a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.
I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I’m going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, “Aren’t those gourds straining your neck?” And I’m just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, “It’s fall, fuckfaces. You’re either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.”
For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.
