IF GOD GIVES YOU LEMONS...

I'm so sick and tired of hearing about the idiot stick figure with giant melons, Ms. California, I could scream! It's mildly amusing, however, that last week while Right-Wingers dubbed Carrie Prejean as their new cultural standard-bearer calling her "a conservative sensation, a poster girl for the right" little did they know she had dropped her jeans, bared all and appeared on posters for young-boys delight! I'm not one to judge, but if she's planning on coming out as the anti-gay marriage spokesperson preaching morality, she should address the ghosts in her closet first! If she can read, maybe she should revisit the Pageant contract she signed which clearly stated, as Ms. California, she must conduct herself "in accordance with the highest ethical and moral standards." Say what you will about gays marrying, Ms. Prejean, but at least our houses are in order!

NATURE WANTED IT THAT WAY:

I was so furious this morning when Ms. California popped onto the television screen one more time I grabbed my coffee and headed into the next room. Unfortunately I spilled coffee on my white napkin and before I set it on fire I remembered a sweet little trick! If you want your whites to shine (napkins, linens, socks) simply fill a large pot with water, drop several slices of lemon and let it boil. After reaching your boiling point, turn off the heat and drop in the soiled bits. In an hour you'll be rid of the sh*t! Also, to get tea and coffee stains out of white mugs, simply fill the cup with water and drop in a denture-cleaning tablet. They clean Grandpas teeth AND your mugs too!

TIME TO COMPLETE TASK: Ten minutes

COST: Denture tablets (unless you already have) $2.99/box.

STRESS LEVEL: Cleaning up dirty spots naturally: LOW