Tuesday, September 6, 2016


I don't like fake people and I don't like fake wood. Fake wood, in my opinion, feels like older men (especially actors) who decide to have plastic surgery but don't consult their better halves before diving in face first. When you're pulled so tight you can't close your lips, gentlemen, you've taken it a bit too far. And, just like the guy wearing the kitty cat on his head, WE KNOW IT'S FAKE, so instead of trying to fool everyone, JUST OWN IT. A few weeks ago I met a different kind of faker;  I call her the "pretender" because she acts like she's Martha Stewart but couldn't boil a pot of water if her life depended on it. My task was to help her replace the flooring in her kitchen. The challenge: she wants something she never has to clean. After explaining to her that no product exists that doesn't need cleaning, especially flooring, she slapped back with; "well, they say laminate floors, especially those that look like wood, hide everything!" First thought that came to mind; Who in the hell are "THEY?" Second, what exactly was she trying to hide on her floors? Shoes? A cat? Her husband? After a sip of happy juice she relaxed and explained that budget constraints prevented her from installing real wood, and I totally understood. Much like the man attempting to hide his bald spot with a stuffed chimpanzee, she was trying to re-create something that just wasn't real. INSERT HUGE CONTRADICTION HERE: On occasion I come across cool products that stop me in my tracks.  Porcelain tiles that look like wood are incredibly trendy now, but evergreen in their design and look (in other words, a year from now it won't be like the second season of "LOST" where you just don't give a crap anymore). They are simple, clean, they come in many different shades and shapes and, quite honestly, I see them as cool, interesting tiles on their own, less than something trying to be something else.  These are part of the "Montagna" line at the Home Depot for $1.69/square foot and is a photo of the bar area in the basement of my home. They are inexpensive, easy to clean and ON TREND!